


This Is The Place Where I Feel At Home

by witchesmortuary



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, I cried while writing this, Madam Spellman - Freeform, but a happy ending, so many feels y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:00:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23199781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchesmortuary/pseuds/witchesmortuary
Summary: She didn‘t want to forget the nights spent together and the laughs they had shared. She wanted to remember the jasmine smell, the earthy smell she easily emanated.
Relationships: Zelda Spellman/Mary Wardwell | Madam Satan | Lilith
Comments: 13
Kudos: 67





	This Is The Place Where I Feel At Home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ilovemcreedus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilovemcreedus/gifts).



> I really hope you love this One shot as much as I do. I cried a lot but I feel like it was worth it. And it is the longest fic I ever wrote lmao.
> 
> I might write more for this concept with the use of the collection feature. Who knows.
> 
> Title is from the song To Build a home by The Cinematic Orchestra.  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkP6Tf79UrM
> 
> Also big shoutout and thanks to my dear friend Rae (ilovemirenne) who has been very supportive, especially yesterday :D

Their relationship had been a secret for weeks. During the day, they barely spoke and in the night, Zelda came over and they worshipped each other.

After Zelda found out about Lilith‘s true identity, she distanced herself. She felt betrayed, they spent so long getting to know each other and then the other woman hadn‘t even told her the truth.

During all those weeks under the Caligari spell, she had prayed to Satan, to Lilith to anyone that might have listened but no deity helped. Even afterward she continued praying because she wanted the fear and pain to disappear and Lilith had helped. She had been there for her, listened and even gave her distance when she needed it and Zelda had never felt so at peace. So happy.

The day Lilith went back to hell with Nicholas they still hadn‘t talked. Zelda had avoided her almost like a plague, barely being home and when she was, she locked herself in her bedroom. And at the gates to hell, she watched Lilith leave with a sting in her heart.

She didn‘t know that Lilith felt the same, that she wanted to talk, explain herself. She only saw her leaving, didn’t see her holding back the tears and also didn’t see the flash of a sad smile across her face.

And she went back home, the faint scent of brimstone still lingering on her clothes, she got undressed and took a bath. She wanted the reminder, the smell off of her while simultaneously wanting to hold on to it and never letting it go.

The sob rippled through her chest as she buried her face in her hands. The last weeks crashed down upon her, her facade not able to hold it all up anymore.

The loss of herself just so her family was safe, the trust she thought Lilith and her had built up when really, the other woman had talked but never said anything.

Only from a distance did Zelda hear her bathroom door open. She also didn’t take notice of arms wrapping around her. Only when the cold air hit her legs did she snap out of her own cloud of pain and memories.

Zelda looked at Hilda, before looking away, trying to avoid her sister’s worried gaze. ``Zelds? What is wrong? You’ve been in here for hours. We thought you fell asleep.´´ she asked and helped her get into a robe and sat her down on the toilet seat. ``What is wrong?´´

Zelda just sighed and grabbed her brush. ``Nothing Hilda. It’s just..it has been a lot but I am fine now.´´ she forced a smile and looked at her for a brief second before she stood up and went into the bedroom. ``You needn’t worry sister. I can handle things myself.´´ She sat down at her vanity and started brushing her wet hair.

Hilda followed her and sighed. ``I know Zelds it’s just..it’s not good to bottle up your feelings. You need to-´´ she said but was interrupted.

``I said I am FINE!´´ snapped Zelda and banged her brush on her vanity. She saw Hilda flinching and immediately regretted snapping at her like this. ``I want to be alone, Hilda. Please.´´ she said a lot calmer now and turned around to look at her. ``I’ll be down for dinner soon.´´

Hilda wanted to say something but stopped herself and nodded. ``Ok. I’ll send Sabrina up when it’s done.´´ she said and turned to leave. Just as she was out of the room, she turned around and said: ``Just don‘t bottle it all up. It‘s not good for you.´´ Then she left.

Zelda sighed and leaned against her chair, burying her face in her hands. So not only did she have to endure her pain somehow, her sister was very much aware of her inner turmoil. How was she supposed to work through all of this while her sister also tried her to open up, which wasn‘t her plan at all?

She just wanted to pack it all into a box, store it somewhere deep inside her brain and never touch it again. Like she had done for centuries before, not let anyone as close as she had let Lilith come to her.

That idea was a good one until she realized that everything reeked of the queen of hell. Her bed still had the faint smell of Brimstone and jasmine and every time she went and wanted to sit outside on the porch, she could feel Lilith‘s presence.

At one point, she sat in her regular armchair while reading, when Hilda walked in and a faint scent of mud, rain and jasmine hit her nose and it reminded her of one of their dates when it had started raining and they ran from the clearing to Lilith‘s cottage and had kissed on the porch before they broke apart giggling.

_``Mary! I think it‘s going to rain.´´ said Zelda and looked up to see dark clouds forming. When she looked down and into the blue eyes, the sky opened up and rain started pouring._

_Mary‘s eyes widened and she started laughing. ``Then we should head home. Quickly.´´ She stood up and helped the red-headed witch up. She put everything inside the basket and then grabbed the blanket and together they went back to her cottage._

_As they arrived on the porch of Mary‘s cottage, she was pulled towards the brunette‘s body and into a kiss. Zelda draped her arms around Mary‘s neck and buried her hands in the brown tresses as arms wrapped around her waist and pushed her closer._

_The intoxicating scent of jasmine and vanilla wrapped itself around her and invaded her senses which made her whimper against the other woman._

_She was pushed against the house wall and she could feel how the back of her dress got drenched by the water. She gasped against Mary and they broke away, giggling._

_``Let‘s get inside and out of these clothes.´´ said Mary as she kissed her neck._

A sob escaped her and she could feel tears trickling down on the book pages. She pressed a hand on her mouth and sobbed against her palm.

``Zelda? Zelds what‘s wrong?´´ Hilda hurried to her side and took the book from her lap and put it on the table. The scent intensified and an even stronger sob broke out and she pushed Hilda away.

She had to get away. She had to get away from that scent. Far away. So she got up and ran towards her bedroom, pushing in and sinking down against the door and burying her face in her hands as a loud sob rippled through her body.

Zelda would never be able to not think of Lilith when Jasmine lingered in the air.

After what felt like an eternity Zelda pushed herself up from the floor and made her way to her bed so she could throw herself on it and kick her heels off. She just wanted to bury herself in the bed and never get up. Let herself get emerged by that scent and feeling of nothingness.

It would be so easy to just numb her feelings with alcohol, forget the pain and forget Lilith and whatever they had.

But it was not what she wanted. She didn‘t want to forget the nights spent together and the laughs they had shared. She wanted to remember the jasmine smell, the earthy smell she easily emanated.

Tears continued falling and only when she heard the knocking at her door, did she push herself up. ``Zelda? Can I come in? I think we need to talk.´´ she heard the worrisome tone of her sister and swallowed.

``Y-Yes come in.´´ she swallowed and pushed her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her knees.

Hilda stepped inside and sat across from the redhead. ``We need to talk about...whatever is going on. You are not yourself.´´ she said. Her eyes scanned Zelda and brushed a red strand away.

Zelda swallowed and looked down. Loosening an arm to stroke away tears that were streaming down her cheeks. ``It‘s nothing really. I- The past months just were a lot. With the building of the new church, the rewriting of curriculum and -´´ she stopped herself before she said anything further. She stared out of the window while trying to hold back her tears.

Hilda had a feeling where this was going. Her sister had been acting like this ever since Lilith had revealed her true identity and it got worse when she left.

So she just put her hand on her knee and tried to get Zelda to look at her. ``Zelds...you need to talk to her. I know it‘s the last thing you want to do after all that she has done but it‘s only making you feel worse. You haven‘t been eating properly and you barely talk to us.´´ Hilda said worriedly.

Zelda pulled away quickly and stared at her sister. ``This is not because of..her. It‘s not. I told you, it‘s the stress and with the academy and-´´ her voice quieted down at the end and she couldn‘t even look into Hilda‘s eyes because she knew that she wouldn‘t believe her because not even Zelda herself believed that ridiculous lie no matter how often she had tried to convince herself.

She stared at the hand rested on her knee and bit her inner cheek. ``Hildie I- I really miss her.´´ she confessed quietly, her eyes filled with tears. ``And her scent starts to disappear and I can‘t - I don‘t want that to happen.´´ She brushed away the tears and swallowed the lump in her throat.

Hilda smiled sadly. Finally, they were getting somewhere. ``You should talk to her. Maybe with the excuse that you two need to talk about the church. Pray to her. It doesn‘t matter. I want my old Zelds back.´´ she put her arm around Zelda and pulled her close.

Zelda laughed hoarsely. ``I was desperate and already tried praying. She doesn‘t respond.´´ she spoke and leaned against her sister‘s shoulder.

Hilda thought for a second and then smiled. ``Then I am going to get Sabrina on it. It doesn‘t matter.´´ she whispered in her hair and pressed a kiss on her hair.

* * *

Later that week, Zelda walked nervously up and down in her office, kneading her fingers tightly. Sabrina had been able to contact the queen of hell and had agreed to meet her at the academy but instead of Sabrina, she would be meeting Zelda.

Her breaths were rapid and she was tempted to just smoke a cigarette but Lilith could arrive any minute now. So she resumed picking at her nail polish and walking holes in her carpet.

5 minutes later, she heard a knocking at her door and the redhead swallowed hard and looked around quickly before sitting herself down on her chair. ``Yes? Come in!´´ she said and opened a book, a sad attempt to look busy.

The door opened slowly and Lilith stepped into the room. ``Sabrina said she would meet me here.´´ she said and a very small smile graced her lips.

Zelda nodded before closing the book and standing up. ``She won‘t. I want to..I want to talk to you.´´ she explained and the quiet almost swallowed her and it made her uncomfortable. Slowly she walked towards the brunette and started picking at her nail polish again.

``This was a trap...´´ the queen of hell said matter of factly and stared at Zelda‘s hand, watching the picking and realizing she must have done that for at least an hour because she barely had any nail polish left on her nails. Then she collected herself and looked up at Zelda, almost coldly. ``We have nothing to talk about Zelda. We talked about everything before I left for Hell. You are doing a great job as High Priestess.´´ she explained, already turning around to leave.

Zelda‘s eyes widened with fear, fear of losing her again and reached out to grab her wrist. ``N-No wait Lilith. Please.´´ she said, almost desperate. ``We need to talk I- I can‘t do this.´

Lilith turned around at this and locked her jaw, nodding. ``Alright. Let‘s - Let‘s talk.´´

Together they sat on the couch that Zelda had put there and for a few seconds there was silence before Zelda spoke up again: ``I am sorry. For everything. When you told us that - that you weren‘t who you said you were. It hurt me. We‘ve been talking so much and you just - you kept on lying to me. Making things up. It just hurt me so much.´´ In the end her voice broke and she felt tears rolling down her tears and almost aggressively brushed them away. Zelda couldn’t cry now. She couldn’t look weak now.

Lilith stared at her hands which were gripping her knees as she listened. She knew that Zelda was right. She had lied without batting an eye and if she could, she would change it all.

Only when Zelda’s voice broke did she look at her. Saw her wiping away the tears and she wanted to reach out, take her in her arms, just make her forget and make her feel better. But Lilith couldn’t. She knew that so the only thing she did was smile sadly.

``And ever since you left. I can’t stop thinking about you. About the nights we spent together and every time I smell jasmine, it’s tearing me apart. No matter what I do. You won’t leave my mind!´´ Zelda now sounded almost angry and stood up quickly. ``It took weeks, months to get your scent out of my room and when it was gone I missed it because -´´ a loud sob broke out and she pressed her hand against her mouth, trying to push it back inside but she couldn’t so she just let the sobs out.

Lilith started shaking. Because she realized how much Zelda had suffered because of her and it broke her. She had said to herself she would keep a safe distance but hearing and seeing Zelda openly cry broke the demoness. She rose quickly and pulled Zelda into a tight hug.

``I am so- so sorry, Zelda. I never should have lied. I never should have left.´´ she whispered and brushed through the high priestess’ hair. She wanted to make her pain disappear, make sure the only thing she felt was happiness and love but Lilith couldn’t. She knew she couldn’t.

Lilith felt Zelda stiffen against her before she deeply breathed in her scent and wrapped her arms tightly around Lilith’s torso.

``I- I missed it because it felt like home. You felt like home and it hurt so bad because I lost my safe space.´´ she whispered against Lilith’s neck and hiccuped. Zelda gave the other woman another soft squeeze before pulling away and brushing the tears away.

She looks so fragile, Lilith thought and twitched her arms, wanting to hug her again, shield her from the world and from herself. Slowly Lilith watched Zelda as she wrapped her arms around herself, trying to shield herself, her heart from the pain.

She never should have let this happen. She never should have let Zelda this close. She knew from the beginning the pain she would go through but she was ignorant, she just thought about herself.

Lilith swallowed hard and moved toward to plant a soft kiss on Zelda’s forehead. ``This never should have happened. I should have known better. I am sorry, Zelda.´´ she said and smiled sadly before turning away to leave. Again.

``That’s it?´´ a quiet voice behind her asked. ``I am telling you how much I missed you and that it almost drove me insane and you are just leaving? Again!´´ her voice rose and Lilith had to swallow. Not because of the tone but because Zelda was right. She always was.

So Lilith turned around and spoke: ``What do you want me to say? That I missed you too? Of course, I missed you! That I had to burn every single piece of clothing I owned because your scent wouldn’t leave? You never left my mind. I thought of so many different, better endings where I would wake up next to you and it made me cry. I cried, Zelda! I felt sick because I have never felt that way before. This is new but I couldn’t think about it because I had to fight for that throne and every time I sat on the throne, I imagined you by my side, smiling proudly. When in truth, no one was beside me. Do you want me to say that I would turn back time to have you by my side again? Because I would! I would do anything to have you back because I love you Zelda!´´

Tears were running down her cheeks as she spoke, stumbling over words as she tried to keep it all in but in the end her dam broke and she crossed her arms over each other, clawing into her biceps as tears ran down her cheeks.

Lilith was overwhelmed with her feelings, had never given herself the opportunity to work through them. And she knew she shouldn’t have raised her voice, should have said it more calmly, more collected, like a queen but she refused. Zelda wanted her to be truthful so she should know everything.

But Zelda didn’t care for the tone or the fact that students could hear them because she could only focus on Lilith, telling her that she loved her. All those months that had felt like an eternity could have been prevented.

Zelda swallowed and walked to Lilith’s side. ``Lilith...Lilith please look at me.´´ she whispered and smiled, her smile not quite reaching her ears but she smiled for the first time in weeks. ``I love you too, Lilith.´´ she said and the moment, the queen looked up, Zelda laid her hands on her cheeks and kissed her. And everything broke loose. They poured all their emotions into that kiss, a mix of desperation, sadness and love. And Lilith wrapped her hands around Zelda’s waist to pull her close, almost securing her to her body, scared that she would disappear.

When they separated, they still held each other close as Lilith leaned her forehead against Zelda’s. ``Please forgive me Zelda. I can’t lose you again. Not after this.´´ she whispered and pressed a kiss against her lips.

Zelda responded to the kiss softly. ``I am never letting you go. This is where I belong, this is home.´´ she explained with a quiet voice and hugged her tightly, burying her head in her neck and breathing in her perfume. Then she said: ``B-But let’s take it slow. I need time to get to know you again.´´

Lilith laughed softly and nodded. ``Ok. You get to decide the pace.´´ she explained and pushed her away gently to look in her eyes. ``Are you free on Friday? I would like to take you on a date so you can get to know me. The real me..´´

``O-Of course. Friday sounds good.´´ Zelda smiled and pulled her in for another kiss.

Zelda was finally back where she belonged. Home.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are as always appreciated. ♡


End file.
